The choice to think with the heart - Maria's story
There are two major questions that I am trying to investigate within this project. They are: What impulse forces all the more people to leave a steady job, abandoning a life well-planned and scheduled to a minute, and set off free floating with no guarantee of success? Why was it Georgia that appeared so attractive to the project participants in terms of self-realization?
Certainly, I have a personal interest in receiving the answers. The answer to the first question will support me in my own free floating (for people have a way of looking for the like-minded ). The answer to the second question will show us that, as a matter of fact, self-realization depends not on the location but rather on the ability to discover new layers and contexts in the seemingly routine surroundings.
You may read as many books as you please or visit as many retreats as you desire, all the same there is nothing like the simple wisdom which your interlocutor has found from experience and is now sharing with you.
A talk to Maria who has moved to Georgia from Germany produces the striking impression of courage and integrity. A conscious rejection of life in a stable EU country, quitting a promising job – isn’t it a real desertion from the strict limits of the system?
What was your life like before quitting the job? There must have been some strong pressure that you were trying to avoid?
Maria: My parents are creative and flexible people, but in my family there was no discussing the necessity of, for example, entering the university. It seemed to be a totally natural and logical step. So I went to the university and received the bachelor’s degree. Then there was Master’s degree – again, since everybody did it. Then – a job. My private life was planned out as well. I was engaged, being in a long-term relationship, everything was alright. For years ahead I knew how the things would be developing, there were only a few finishing touches to adjust – a personal flat, children, family vacation. I did everything the way I had to, the way others did, and I managed it in the best possible way. Nevertheless, I started to realize that I did not feel any satisfaction with my life all the same.
Concerning the job, I had been doing online-marketing in an office for a long period of time and was about to get a promotion. Strange as it may seem, it didn’t make me happy, since it meant that I would be all the more attached to the office, having all the more things to do which I actually cannot stand doing. I performed my duties quietly, hoping to stay unnoticed so that the situation would at least remain as it was. I have no interest in doing things when I cannot see the result of my work right away.
Eventually there arose an internal crisis in my soul. I started rethinking things, searching my own guidelines. And one moment I realized that it was too much and I didn’t want to live that way anymore. When I understood it, I just quitted, going to nowhere. Actually, I set off free floating.
I tried a lot of things: I worked as a translator, a personal assistant for foreign businessmen who emigrated to Germany, tried myself as a promoter.
And how did you happen to be in Georgia?
Maria: I planned to come to Georgia for the first time in 2008, with a view of getting the internship for the pedagogical institute. That time my arrival was not fulfilled because of the war (the war between Georgia and Russia in August 2008). Germany recommended its citizens to refrain from any trips to Georgia, I could not get through to any contact person from the institute, the situation was quite uncertain.
When I made up my mind to leave Germany where I had been living for 17 years, my choice fell first on Iran. I like Germany as a country and respect it as a state. But its climate, flourishing bureaucracy and the overall seriousness of life bounced me into the decision to make great changes. It was on the halfway to Iran that I managed to visit Georgia. Despite the chilly weather and strong winds – it was early April – I was absolutely thrilled. It seemed to me as though I had to live there. I remember being at the market and experiencing a true feeling of déjà vu: it was as though I saw myself buying products there, walking to my small flat and cooking borshch. I spent the following two months in Germany preparing for the move – to Georgia, after all.
And what occupation did you take up in Georgia?
Maria: Here I started cooperating with a non-governmental organization, but later we parted our ways. I worked with a German director, helped him in making films. From time to time I had to leave for Germany in order to make some money for a living.
I have been registered on couchsurfing.com for quite a long time. Earlier there were only few girls registered there, men were the majority, so people were constantly asking to stay at my place. I travelled with my guests much, showing him all of Georgia, and in return they started giving me presents, offering to pay for the excursions etc. Then I understood that I could make money of that – doing what I like and living on the profit from it.
I got acquainted with Devi, we started cooperating, helping each other. She is engaged in conducting longer trips in the mountains, whereas my occupation is mostly one-day tours in Imereti, Racha, mountainous Adjara, Kazbegi and Uphlistsikhe.
I always reserve the right to choose whether I feel like taking a particular tourist group or not, or whether I am going to take up a certain direction. I do only what I am really inclined to do. My ambition is to infect people with my passion to Georgia. However, my favorite places here lie out of the way of standard tourist routes. For example, I adore Chiatura with its Soviet buildings which look absolutely in the spirit of surrealism. Many acquaintances of mine wonder what I could have found there. And I just try to be the guide I myself would love to have.
Well, Maria, and did you happen to have any doubts? Like “did I make the right choice?”, “did I really have to reject stability, albeit so boring?”
Maria: Despite the fact that my income since then has been quite unstable and I face financial problems from time to time, I haven’t regretted the choice I made, not once. Thinking with the heart, not with the mind alone is so much more important to me. I mean choosing the right option instinctively, the thing that I really like.
I believe that when one thinks with his mind, he might be wrong, but as long as one follows his heart he will never be mistaken. It may be not the most convenient decision but it will be the only right one. Yes, I do plan ahead and I have my own schedule, but the emotional component influences my choices the most.
When one thinks with his mind, he might be wrong, but as long as one follows his heart he will never be mistaken!
You know, once you have decided to abandon everything and float freely, you feel your close connection with the world, and if you make a decision after all, it is always timely and correct.
That is why I always reject any offers to work in the office here. When I run out of money, I’d rather go to Germany for a while, save up and come back to Georgia to enjoy its free and unhurried pace of life.
Yes, people want to be free. But the system is addictive. For instance, in Germany it is kind of a habit to complain constantly about everything. If you say something like “the weather today is excellent”, the German feels obliged to comment on your remark this way: “Yes, the weather is nice, but it is apparently going to rain”. It is not in German traditions to express openly one’s joy and satisfaction with life. On the one hand, self-expression in Europe, in Germany in particular, has reached its maximum development. You can dress as you please, live your life the way you like it and share it with whoever you want – nobody is going to discuss or judge you. On the other hand, when I watch the Europeans who have got to Georgia, for example, the volunteers with whom I keep in close touch, I cannot but notice that after a couple of months they start missing the usual comfort. They lack some things, the products they have got accustomed to, some habits of the locals start getting on their nerves. They are like longing to appear again in their usual shell and continue living an ordinary life. Their desire is to return into their comfort zone where everything is so pleasantly scheduled.
Theoretically, many people long for changes and freedom. But in fact, when they realize that it means abandoning some customary things, people back out. It is not good, but it is not bad either, it just happens that way, that’s all. If a person rejects freedom, it only means that he is still not ready, not having a motivation strong enough to dare accept it. And it is quite natural.
And I know many expats living in the Vake region, shopping in German bakery and leading a life maximally similar to the initial, customary one. But personally I am interested in getting the very taste of the country’s specific character, feeling it.
Do you keep in touch with your German friends?
I have many German friends who have a stable profitable job and all the attributes of material success. But when we meet, they tell me what pressure they constantly have to endure. They feel as though permanently obliged to somebody, they always lack something. The society easily imposes its standards on them, and they feel like being in a tight corner. I don’t consider my lifestyle right – I simply live my life the way I personally like, knowing that every twist is my inner choice.
There are such moments when you just have to get rid of the external control based on stereotypes. If you cannot, then it is not yet time for this. It is like swimming: if you feel you cannot swim without a lifebuoy, you shouldn’t do it – or you may drown.
There are such moments when you just have to get rid of the external control based on stereotypes.
Sometimes, when my close friends arrive here, I offer them to go hitchhiking. At first they refuse, arguing like “how is it actually, we are not going to do it, we simply don’t want to, that’s all”. Then we go on the road, start waiting for the car, and I inform them that the driver has just called to say he will no way manage to come. As a result, they have to follow me and try what they have never tried before. And so they become more opened, having fun and enjoying a pleasant sense of flying that appears inside. But, surely, I do such things only with those whom I know really well.
Maria, you know, many Georgians move to Europe and Germany in particular and say they feel far more freedom there.
Maria: Definitely, the local people feel a great burden of social control upon them. They fear condemnation. I don’t feel it because I don’t belong to this system. It is true, many people leave Georgia for Berlin and find freedom exactly there. It is in human nature to feel freedom after getting rid of the pressure of a usual system.
It might seem illogical to ask you about any far-reaching plans, but anyway – have you decided to stay in Georgia forever?
Maria: One life is absolutely not enough for me to spend it in all corners of the planet where I would like to live. But if I could have two parallel lives, I would spend one of them in Georgia (smiling).
Photos by Maria